Have you ever had a moment where you think, How is this even possible? How did my life get to this place? I couldn’t have imagined it. Yet, here I find myself.
I have. I would venture to guess you have too.
Sometimes, the destination is one we wish we wouldn’t have travelled to. Like a vacation where you got food poisoning, memory is forever associated with the bad taste left in your mouth. What was supposed to be good and fun, well, it just wasn’t. Even if the first few days of your vacation started well, if by day 3 your stomach was speaking to you and you broke out in cold sweats, you’re not likely to fondly recall that trip. All we can focus on is the sickness, the miserable nature of it all.
I’ve had those thoughts in times of unmerciful loss & deep depression which threatened to consume me. I wondered to myself How on earth did I get here? I remember the weight of that time. Of course, I’ve had more than just one bad moment in life (we all have). But one will always stand out. It’s actually more than one. It’s many layers piled on top of each other. Life’s burdens are a heavy weight we are not intended to carry.
When I found out my ex-husband had an addiction to pain pills (before that was even a thing, though I could have told you it was), it was the start of my undoing. As I looked at the image in the mirror, the shell of the woman I had become, I thought I’d lost myself. Life as I knew it was completely irradicated.
The short version of the story is I lost my job and found out my (then) husband had a ruthless addiction. Addiction wreaks havoc on all areas of life: relationships, finances, people’s future. Through all of this trauma, I lost my marriage. Ultimately, I lost my home; it was to have been my dream home on the lake, my peaceful sanctuary from life’s craziness. Instead, it became the place I couldn’t drive past when all was said and done. Too much had happened there. There were too many memories tainted with debilitating sadness.
Some of you know this part of my story. Some of you do not.
I was non-functioning, even as I was trying “to keep it together”. It wasn’t working. At all. Even the mail terrified me. All it contained was red letter notices. Past due. Late fee. Foreclosure. That was a rock bottom day. I didn’t have the courage to open it. I went to a friend’s house, held out the notice to her, as I asked her to read it. I. Just. Couldn’t.
There were thoughts of suicide during this time. Not just passing ones.
For the first time ever the problems felt so overwhelming, so large, that I didn’t have the wherewithal to figure a way out. If you would have asked me if I’d ever get divorced, I would have told you – “No way!” Yet that’s ultimately what happened.
And it was hard.
There was loss I hadn’t factored into the equation. That’s how divorce works. It’s not delicate. It’s a destroyer. Definitely a dream-squasher. Divorce deflates hope, at least for a while. Oh, people can put on a brave face all they want, but I’m here to tell you divorce is not pretty. And travelling that path shapes your future choices.
If the two become one and then rip themselves apart, all that’s left is shattered edges. It’s not a clean break. It’s not a “clean slate” as the world would love to encourage you to believe. Not a fresh start. Not. Not. Not. Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s not! (The number of “nots” should tell you how much it’s not, LOL.)
BUT … and here’s the turning point.
But if we allow ourselves to learn from bad decisions, we can, and we do.
I learned the importance of trusting God for the first time in my life, really, truly, deeply trusting the Lord. When everything was stripped away (no marriage, no job, no dream home, none of the things I’d worked so hard all my life to achieve) … only in the stillness of that “moment” did I surrender to Christ. I’d always been able to figure my way out of things pretty well. But not this time.
This time I was in way, way over my head. And I knew it.
In hindsight it’s a beautiful place to be. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it sucked. (No delicate way to say it.) But in its sucky-ness, I learned the art of surrender.
I officially surrendered my life to Christ on January 10, 2010.
All that really means in the simplest of ways is that I realized I couldn’t do life by myself anymore. I needed God in my life. From my heart – which is the most important part – I told Him so. I released my grip on my life and put it in His hands. I was, verbally at least, telling God I’d put my trust in Him. I call out the verbally at least part, because trust is a process. The point is I wanted to trust God, and I was willing to try. A relationship with God takes a want to and a willingness. It’s really not more complicated than that.
When our hearts are willing and we want to, we can do great things with God’s help. Each and every one of us. Greatness isn’t for only a select few. Greatness is for those who believe with God all things are possible. Greatness can look a lot of different ways, but it should always point to God and reveal His glory.
He told me something a long time ago. I’ve shared it before, but I feel led to share it again. “Your story is for My glory.” It’s important we share our stories of what God has done in our lives. When surrendered to God and walking in His blessings, we are a roaming billboard that reveals His goodness and His glory. So, if God has done or is doing something great in your life, don’t hide it. As scripture informs us to do, put your light in a place where others will see it. Because those of us in relationship with God are well aware any light shining from within us is sourced in the light of Christ. We are a reflection of Him to the world.
So, on January 10, 2010 I said “yes” to Jesus.
In February of 2010 I went on my first date with, my now husband, Sam. I was a baby believer, and Sam was about to have his hands very full! (LOL)
A few short weeks from surrender I was introduced to one of the sweetest, best gifts I could have been blessed with! The Lord brought Sam into my life. He is not a perfect man, but he is a good man whom God knew would be perfect for me.
Just for clarification, and because I think it is SUPER important to highlight, I am in no way saying anyone should divorce his or her current spouse to search out someone more appropriately suited for you. I made the decision to divorce before I was a believer, before I knew God’s healing, redemptive power. If you have what you view is a horrible or even just boring marriage, do not throw in the towel and search for a new model. God actually hates divorce. That’s what the Bible says, and it’s true. I believe, in part, His hatred of divorce is rooted in His knowledge of the aftermath His kids (you and I) walk in when we pursue divorce as our solution. God doesn’t want that pain for us. He is the Author of life and vitality, not death and destruction. Divorce certainly feels like death. Many things “die” because of divorce. So much to grieve.
But God is merciful. I believe I am walking in His mercy. I didn’t know His views on marriage at the time. Now I do. God knows each of us, where we’ve been, what knowledge we have (or don’t have), and His forgiveness is DEEP. I’m swimming in a river of it! So are you. Some of you know it. Some may be unaware. You are forgiven. No sin is bigger than God’s capacity to forgive it. None!
just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, ─ Ephesians 1:4-8 NKJV
God chose us, you and me, BEFORE the foundation of the world.
God PREDESTINED us to adoption to Himself.
He accepted us KNOWING we would sin. In His richness of grace, He chooses to forgive us anyhow.
He made that choice before you and I ever walked this earth.
Let that break some chains of bondage off your life! Go back up and read those last few lines again if you need to.
You are forgiven. For whatever it is. Whatever!
I’ve got some big “whatever’s” in my life that God has forgiven me for.
And if THAT isn’t enough, He chooses to bless us with even more!
Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. May he be given glory forever and ever through endless ages because of his master plan of salvation for the Church through Jesus Christ.─ Ephesians 3:20-21 TLB
What are you daring to ask or dream about? What are your highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes?
Rest and trust in God accessing His power at work WITHIN YOU. Dare to ask. Dare to dream. Hold onto hope. Pray. And let the power of God guide you to the Promised Land He has for you.
There’s an account in the bible about Joshua and Caleb, along with 10 other men who were on a difficult journey. There was a large army standing in their way, people much bigger than them, an obstacle that looked insurmountable.
Ten only saw the problem. They thought the mountain was too high to climb, so to speak. Joshua and Caleb were no less aware of the challenge that lie ahead for them, but they chose to see the largeness of God rather than the largeness of their difficult circumstances. They weren’t about to let doubt and unbelief determine their fate. They are leaders among leaders and are viewed as an example to us all not to limit God and what is capable when we take the path He has for us. Their choice determined their destiny.
Because they believed God would come through for them, they entered the Promised Land.
The ten who focused only on the largeness of the problem rather than the largeness of God, didn’t get to go along for the journey. Their choice determined their destiny too.
Because they didn’t believe God would come through for them, they didn’t receive God’s blessing.
We’re faced with that same, hard choice sometimes. Will we believe? Will we not?
The wonderful thing about believing ─ the outcome is then placed in God’s hands. It takes the pressure off of us. Yes, we still do things, but we do the things GOD places on our heart to do. Not more. Not less.
When I met Sam, I was a terrified child inside a grown woman’s body. By that time in my life, I’d navigated quite a bit of trauma and pain. Those experiences shaped my thoughts and actions.
But I had God in my heart. Granted it was only two week’s or so worth, but that’s all it took. God can do a lot with a little seed!
It had taken much for me to surrender my heart to Christ. My trust issues were through the roof, so how was I to trust Someone I couldn’t see? But then in God’s grace, He began to “show me” things about Himself. He’d answer my prayers in the craziest of ways. My experience of Him couldn’t be denied. It was odd, sure, but I knew for myself that it was real. You know how you know something to be true in your heart even if intellectually it might not make sense? That’s what it was – this undeniable knowing that there was no way I could make this stuff up. I think back and smile about all the ways God went OUT OF HIS WAY to make Himself known to me. I still feel those moments with Him, but those first few are exciting, incredulous, as you begin to believe and know in your heart, God is real.
Maybe more important, God is real for me. Personal. Intimate. And two very important things for me to know back then: safe and trustworthy.
I pray you know the trustworthy nature of God. I pray you know God is real for you. That place? That’s our present day Promised Land. It’s where blessing and favor are found, peace and forgiveness, love, hope, and joy.
All the things I never thought I would have? I have them now. My life is not perfect. My life is not without problems. But my life is always shaped by the loving forgiveness of Jesus who died so that I could be set free.
Freedom is more than salvation. There’s that, and it’s imperative of course.
But freedom also means walking in fullness of life. God wants the abundant life for us.
Thinking back to the early days with Sam, I remember how frightened I was to engage in a relationship of any sort. Many of mine had proven themselves to be a hot mess, not just my former marriage. There was a long line of bad decisions and brokenness (mine and theirs). So when Sam came along, I wasn’t all that interested in really letting him in.
I was lonely, so I liked the idea of companionship, but any time it looked like that might happen, inside I wanted to push him far away. This wasn’t a conscious choice, it was a defensive tactic I’d gotten “pretty good” at maneuvering. At one point I told Sam he wasn’t my type. I told him I liked black men (Sam’s white). It cracks me up today. But back then, I might have been wearing a “No Trespassing” sign “Enter at your own risk” “You may be shot”.
(To be very clear, I have dated outside my race. In no way am I making a statement about interracial relationships. I share the above because it was simply something impossible for Sam to achieve.)
Poor Sam! I’m so glad HE was listening to the Lord, and he didn’t give up on little miss sassy pants!
God had put it on his heart the day we met that he was going to meet someone “special to him”. It was a large function and on that day, people thought we were already married. In my mind I might have freaked out a little, “um, no way!” LOL
If you’ve ever seen a horse broken, that might have been a little what it was like.
I was bucking. That’s for sure! (Brokenness can lead to some fierce bucking.)
When I heard Sam’s story, I was even more afraid.
Sam is a recovered addict. That terrified me! Understandable, right? I lost my first marriage, in large part, due to addiction. Yet here I found myself dating someone who was once an addict. He’d been recovered for a number of years, but by the time I met Sam I was no longer a naïve, impulsive woman who’d jump into a relationship. I remember having a good wrestle with God about it. “God, I can’t go through that again. Please promise me it will be okay.”
Curled in the fetal position, I prayed, cried, and hoped I would never have to endure a relapse on Sam’s part. I knew full well from my history that relapse can and does happen, even when the person doesn’t want it to. I barely was getting my legs to stand. I thought that risk might be enough to push me permanently over if I took it and Sam couldn’t maintain his sobriety.
The odds were very much stacked against Sam and I in many ways. We shouldn’t be walking in the fullness of a blessed marriage, but we are.
How on earth does that happen?
God’s mercy and goodness, that’s how!
In 2010 I in no way, shape, or form was capable of trusting Sam (or any other man). In 2010 I no longer trusted myself. My instincts used to help me make decisions. Previously, I relied on my gut. I used to jump in without thinking of consequences. Sometimes that worked out for me. But as I learned the hard way, sometimes it did not.
I’d already seen enough of God’s goodness to know (at least begin to know) that He is trustworthy. I’d been seeking God in a committed pursuit for over a year (even as He’d been pursuing me long before then). I’d begun to believe in my heart of hearts that God was the only One I could put my trust in. Sassy pants Tracy would trust no one else, but her heart of hearts said “Jesus, I can trust.”
Good thing!
Because I trusted Jesus enough to have my best interest at heart, I believed Him when He spoke to me (with a sensing, a knowing — not with a literal sound).
“Trust Me.”
My response, “I do.”
“Trust Me. I want you to marry Sam.”
The story is longer than that, but that’s where it led me to. TRUST.
I trusted God and He blessed me with a godly marriage. I am still walking in that blessing today.
In God’s faithfulness, as He would do, He brought a song to me this morning in my quiet time. It’s what started me down this memory lane today of all days. The song is called, “I will Trust You”.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil thing
In this life I have seen Your faithfulness
In this life I have found Your grace, God
I will trust You
All my hope is found in Your love
I will trust You
My whole life is found in Your love 1
My whole life is found in Your love as I trust You.
If God had not been so faithful in my life, I would never have married Sam. My hesitation had nothing to do with Sam, and everything to do with me. My pain. My insecurity. My fear. Those things would have made me live a small life, and I would have missed walking in my personal Promised Land.
From the very start, Sam and I have tried to do things the way God would want us to in our marriage. Symbolism, ceremony, actions taken (and some not), we do our best to listen and obey God’s trustworthy voice. The One who never leads us astray.
The fact that I could obey God in the midst of extreme fear boiled down to choice.
We all have a choice about how to proceed. Not every decision I have made since becoming a Christ-follower has been the right one. But I can guarantee you I make a lot more good decisions now than I did before God was in my life.
God doesn’t let us down. Even good husbands and wives sometimes will. But the beautiful thing is God keeps us in alignment with Him and each other as we listen to what He puts on our hearts and we act upon those promptings.
Trauma is an extreme form of brokenness. If we’ve lived life, we likely have some degree of trauma. Some may have more than others, but to the one experiencing pain, pain hurts. It doesn’t matter why the pain. What matters is what we do with it.
God led me to choose Him. That choice led me to be able to say yes to Sam. God said it would be okay to choose Sam, so I did. On our good days, we choose to make wise choices with God’s help. On our difficult days, we choose to make wise choices with God’s help.
I will ALWAYS give credit to Jesus for helping me be ABLE to make the choice to say yes, to Him and to Sam.
Beyond that, though, I do want to highlight I made the choice. I didn’t have to. You don’t either.
In life, in marriage, in faith decisions, we have a choice. We don’t have to do anything.
Some people choose just that, to do nothing.
Can I tell you? It’s one of the things that makes me super frustrated! When I see someone throw in the towel or use excuses, I can hardly stand it. When someone wears a woe is me attitude, or thinks one can’t possibly understand what he / she is going through because your life is all lollipops and lemonade I practically want to scream. I do not lack compassion for anyone; we all need compassion. But coddling someone who plays the victim is not helpful, not one bit.
God had great compassion for me when I was in the thick of things. But He didn’t coddle me. He comforted me, yes. But He challenged me little by little to make the right decision each day. He taught me. He grew me up, spiritually speaking. In order to do that, we have to be willing participants in His plan. I also learned after one too many rides around the same merry-go-round, God is faithful to teach us whatever lesson we need to learn. If I don’t learn it now, He’ll be faithful to help me learn it in the future.
It’s far less time consuming and much more effective to participate in God’s best plan for our lives from the beginning.
I read in a book not too long ago about trauma survivors. The researchers shared the difference between someone walking in fullness of life versus victim mentality has everything to do with CHOICE. They used a term I thought was fascinating, especially since I have walked alongside of women recovering from extreme trauma. The researchers shared this,
We have come to recognize that our past can either define us or refine us. Those who are refined by their trauma, who truly end up being better off, are experiencing what scientific literature calls posttraumatic growth. Everyone’s heard of posttraumatic stress disorder, but posttraumatic growth is when people actually use their hardship as a springboard and a catalyst to improve their lives.2
This is not coming from a place of pride, but I can honestly say, the choices God has led me to make in my marriage and in life have led me to a place of posttraumatic growth. Maybe you are proof of that too. If not, know that is God’s heart for you!
Whatever problems you have faced in life, know that God desires nothing more than for you to use that experience as the catalyst for change. He wants us to walk as victors, not victims. He has compassion for you and I. He IS our Comforter. But in love He will challenge you to rise higher, one good choice at a time.
Before you know it, you will look back as I am doing nine years of marriage later, so grateful to God.
I am blessed to have a godly marriage. But it didn’t come without choice.
A healthy marriage is full of good choices made daily. Like compounding interest, the goodness and blessing grow.
We can all work to make good choices for one day. Right?
Happy 9th anniversary to my awesome hubby, my gift from God, evidence of God’s blessing in my life. Thank You, Jesus, for helping me to trust You and to believe it when you told me Sam is trustworthy. You were right! (But of course You knew that all along.)
We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. ─ 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3 NIV
I thank God for you, Samuel!
And because we have an awesome God who is in the business of REDEMPTION (and He’s really quite funny), He now allows us to help others walk in fullness of life in their marriages.
If you have a great marriage, thank God for it even as you continue to invest richly there. When we cease investing, we can’t expect it to grow.
To any readers who are not walking in God’s Promised Land for your marriage, claim Scriptures as a future fulfillment of God’s promise to you. Your prayers are a labor of love. Trust God. He is faithful. God doesn’t love some kids more than others. He loves us all, every last one of us! And for some encouragement, consider listening to the song, “I Will Trust You”.
Here’s a link to the song by Brian & Katie Torwalt, “I Will Trust You”.
About the author: Tracy Stella is a Christ-follower on the journey of life, seeking to see God and His will for her fulfilled on this great adventure. She feels compelled to share the story of God’s hand in her life with the hope that readers will search for and see God at work in their own lives. Jesus writes the greatest story of all. It’s called Redemption for those who are willing to surrender to His love and leading. I pray God continues to write a glorious story in each of your lives. Amen.
If you found this helpful or inspiring (or even a little challenging), consider sharing it with others. Thank you for reading and God bless!
1 Torwalt, Brian & Katie. “I Will Trust You”. Kingdom Come. Jesus Culture, Kingsway, 2013. CD.
2 Cooley, Ben. Relentless Pursuit, Fuel Your Passion and Fulfill Your Mission. David C Cook, 2019.